Peace House: Unconditional Love, Correction, and Disagreements
One of my girls came home weeping. I immediately went to her and just held her, letting her get all the emotions out. She was shaking and spasming – I soothed her hair and encouraged her to get it all out until she released it. I assumed it had something to do with feeling disconnected (something we’d been working through) but this time it was due to conviction. She’d had a revelation that she’s been blocking Jesus out relationally and instead using him as an end to a means. We talked on my bed and she cried more, and I walked with her into an encounter with the Lord – she was hit by joy and it was beautiful picture of Isaiah 61 – trading heavy burdens for God’s gifts! Without much history of vulnerably allowing someone else to go through this with her, it was an intimate experience that allowed her to receive both love from God and another person.
For people who have trauma, the first most important thing is that they receive unconditional love, otherwise the traumatized and broken-hearted parts of them will never feel safe enough to bubble to the surface.
People in their 60s and 70s often have touchy trauma-triggers… just like your skin stretches out with time, so does the skin on your personality, where you’ve been able to keep your issues less visible and buttoned up. Eventually, your control stretches out, and issues just kind of pop out all over the place.
One of the biggest reasons for the girls to live with me instead of just meeting one on one during the week is because of the love component. Every time I see them in the morning, and hug them before coffee, every time I love them, and I’m gracious and kind when they break things, or mess stuff up, every time I’m earning trust, every time I’m feeling their love tank. Without that, everything will stay hidden under the surface until it’s forced out. Love extended is an invitation for all the broken pieces of their souls to come out and receive the warmth of unconditional love.
The first step is receiving unconditional love in daily interactions.
Next, it’s learning to take correction, to choose to believe I have your best at heart when I push back on your thoughts, habits, and behaviors. Receiving correction without going into rejection, condemnation, and self-hatred is pivotal. If truth cannot be humbly received and submitted to, that relationship is not positioned in readiness for relational healing. Lordship is the crucial issue, as any correction should be aligned with coming closer towards the ideal Jesus displayed for us.
Next, is learning to maintain assurance of loving relationship during disagreements. If I can be angry at you, and hesed (love that draws together) is still present, my face is still loving towards you, my eyes are still rejoicing to see you… this is where mutual benefit is at its height. If we can argue and be angry and maintain covenantal sticky connection, it’s proof of those old trauma-triggering broken-hearted pieces being healed and reintegrated.
The process of walking with others into relational restoration is fraught with ups and downs. These women are like roses at times, opening in vulnerability and then tightening back down to a bud in self-protection when a new level of openness occurs. It’s a dance of patience and grace, rewarded by seeing breakthrough over time.
